i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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