I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
