Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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