I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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