I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
