I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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