We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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