she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
