isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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