So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
