Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
