If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
