remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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