I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
