if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
