I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
