Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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