bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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