I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
