My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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