Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
