It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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