It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
