Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
