I love black thongs
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
