I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
