I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
