dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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