I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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