i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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