No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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