I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
