Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
