I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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