Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
