I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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