my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
