I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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