I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
