my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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