twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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