this boner is exhausting
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
