new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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