Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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