There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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