Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
