my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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