Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
