U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
