i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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