My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
