If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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