I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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