you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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